I am all; them and the monsters by Karla Diaz

I came to our our old house, still with unpacked boxes and like those boxes our lives stayed packed too, all those years.

Ghost me, is still sitting in that corner while the walls around us crumbled until we became ruins next to them.

It all began to collapse, dreams, hopes, truth, the made up, and all those things that are considered human.

Change although unwanted, at least consciously, was necessary.

Seasons passed twice, tears got washed by rain and dried by sun spells.

I found myself totally naked at the bottom of the ocean. The very thing I thought I was, I was no longer. What once was important, was not anymore. I had nothing left to lose.

Spring finally arrived taking away those layers of sorrows, winter fur and dusty leftovers of wounded moments left from lovers - although they occasionally come to haunt me, especially when the friendly monster called melancholy hugs me.

I only look back to remember the lessons learned. What I am today, would not be the same without those scars.

My dear misunderstood monsters that followed me faithfully to catch a friendly face of reassurance. All you wanted to do was warn me and tell me “you are not alone, you never were.” I wish I'd listened to you, to my own loud self screaming for help.

Searching for a sense of permanence or belonging has been a quest I no longer wish to follow.

I now leave the door open to painful memories.

Smiling, I greet them politely, to say goodbye right after.

Some of them decide to stay a little longer, perhaps they feel a bit lonely, I invite them for the night, hoping that they will leave by morning.

Acceptance was the one thing that was missing in my vocabulary.

I’m still afraid of what I’ve always been but never dare to look at; denial is a good shield until a flood (of truth) is what you are up against.

As I try to push all signs deep into the archive containing superseded files of shameful thoughts and poems on love and broken hearts, truth keeps pushing its way to light, and I can no longer ignore it.

I am the child who wants to be a boy, the teen who drew and painted feminine silhouettes, the adult who often wakes up after kissing a woman in a dream.

I am the woman that loved and falls in love with insolent men. In my dreams, I am a man too.

I am a person discovering the power of self acceptance, no longer eager to please, to conform or to let others use their power to control me or take my voice away.

I am all my monsters, unpleasant memories, mistakes, I am love and also everything else considered human.

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Music enthusiast, art lover, architect by day and aspiring writer /filmmaker by night. Always keen on having walks in the park, a cool beer with friends, old and new.